Parenting Advice--Building Resiliency

Last week, my new-to-high-school daughter missed her first bus.  Her teacher PE teacher dismissed them late, she dawdled in the change room, and then arrived at the bus loading location to find--to her great surprise--that the bus didn't wait for her.  She walked home with a friend and called our house, and fortunately Grandma was over visiting and drove down to pick her up.

My response to this lesson sent shock waves through some of our parent friends.  First, I made sure she thanked Grandma for the ride; I would have made her endure the long walk home.  Second, I told her that there were some good lessons to be learned from this experience: 

1. She is solely responsible for getting herself to the bus
2. Do not dawdle (this was self-admitted) when getting changed, exchanging Library books, talking to friends, etc. when needing to accomplish lesson #1
3. If, in a worst case scenario, she ran to the bus wearing sweaty, smelly gym clothes...well...she would have still been on the bus
4. I cannot drop everything at my school and drive 45 minutes to pick her up on a nice sunny day to save her from an 6 km walk home.  Emergencies?  Absolutely, and I will be there in 35 minutes, but not for this.
5. Lastly, and this is the one that my friends had the most trouble with, I didn't call the teacher and chew him out for this inconvenience.  I didn't because, she needs to understand that getting to the bus is her responsibility (back to lesson #1), I didn't because I only knew one side of the story, and I didn't because she knows that I can't solve every little problem by rushing in "mama bear"-style and yelling at people. 

Of course I will follow up with the teacher if this becomes a regular occurrence, but not for a one-off event even if that one-off was exactly how she described it.  My kids need to be able to problem solve themselves out of trouble, and to do that they need the chance to actually try.  That's how we support responsibility.  That's how we build resiliency.

I found an article today on ParentsCanada.com called "How to interact with your child's teacher", and I think that there are some connections between what the author Nancy Fornasiero is saying and the point that I am trying to make.  Nancy describes 9 "types" of parents, and I will borrow the following three for my post:

1. The tattle-tale: Do you go "straight to the top" with every concern?
• As a Principal, I will listen to a parent's concern, but I always refer them back to the classroom teacher for an issue stemming from the classroom.  I know that my teachers will come back to me if they need some advice, support or resources to solve a problem, but cutting them out of the loop only damages the relationship between school and home.  We ask our students to deal with issues together, and we need to expect the same from the adults in our school community.
2. The fixer: Can you not bear to see your child struggle of fail?
• This is a hard one, and one expressed most often to me because we do not want our kids to have to fail or to feel bad.  I believe that many successes stem from experiencing something undesirable and then having the gumption--the moxy, as my dad would say--to make the changes necessary so that it won't happen again.  I also think that it's okay to feel bad when you have done something wrong; that builds empathy.  When I graduated from high school, I included the following quote in my yearbook message: "A kick in the ass is still a step forward".  I still believe that to this day.
3. The blind believer: Do you forget to take your child's version of a story with a grain of salt?
• This is a hard one for parents because they take such a black and white stance to issues.  I spend a lot of time helping them to understand that (1) I believe that their child is telling me the truth from their point of view, and (2) there, quite possibly, might be more than one version of the truth.  This does not mean that their child is a liar!  We know that memories are anchored by emotional experiences, and if an experience emotes emotion (a fight, and argument, someone feeling slighted, etc.) it makes it very easy for us to add in our own feelings.  How many times, for example, have you had a imaginary conversation between yourself and someone that you are in conflict with (it often happens for me on the drive home) where you get to a point where you can't believe what they just said to you (remember, it's still imaginary)?  The next day, you interact with that person, they give you "a look" and you then fill in all sorts of blanks with what they meant, including some that they might not even have realized that they gave you.  Whew!  How about some of those "at home" conflicts?  You get on your teen for "always needing a reminder to take the garbage out", without noticing that they had done it twice without being asked.  "My parents are always mad at me", or "they never notice..." are common complaints that we hear at school.  Remember, the comments don't have to be true to be believed.  Real strength comes from listening, taking a step back and helping our child to see multiple points of view.
• Take some time to talk to your child's teacher, and I bet that you will find not only someone who cares a lot, but someone who knows your child much better than you think.  No one likes to be complained to, so develop a relationship, and talk about all things that go on in the classroom, not just the negative ones.  My children know that dad knows their Principal and their teachers, and that I am not going to over react to a small injustice.  They know that I have their back, and that I am so proud of them when they show responsibility, when they problem-solve, and when they advocate for themselves. 

The Doorway Effect Part 2--In Through the Out Door

So, on my last post I pointed towards an article in Scientific American that I found about memory and the doorway effect.  Basically it said that our memory is purged of old information when we walk through a doorway so that our brain can make room for the new--and more pressing--information set in the new room.  That's why we can head to the kitchen thirsty, only to forget our thirst when we get there.  Just yesterday, I left my office on a mission, only to have someone distract my attention. 

Poof, it was gone.

Remembering this article, I retraced my steps, walked back through the doorway and "poof" it was back.  Cool!

I do think, however, that--doorways aside--this idea of the brain only holding the most pressing information needs some further discussion.  If, for example, the brain is stressed (no breakfast, mom and dad are fighting at home, worries about safety, self-esteem, etc.) and holding onto some sort of information that engages the reptilian part of our brains (fight or flight responses), then we most certainly won't be able to comprehend, process of remember any new context or connections in algebra or sentence structure. 

If we use this model of a doorway shifting our brain to a new, and learned, set of information, let's work on creating doorways that lead to safe learning environments where:

• ideas are appreciated
• trial, errors, stumbles and failures are an expected part of the learning process
• we are given the tools to reflect, to collaborate and to think critically
• we teach learners to be problem solvers
• safety and respect are paramount
• we celebrate diversity
• the learning drives the assessments

Just think of a kid coming to school with all sorts of baggage, and being able to park those challenges at the door when they walk into your classroom because of the conditions and experiences that you created.  That would be really cool.

The Doorway Effect

Have you ever walked into a room, only to realize that you can't remember what you went in there for?  Left your office to find a staff member, and then forgotten why you went to find them once you get to their office?  Put your sunglasses on your head and then gone outside thinking that you don't know where your sunglasses are?

We all seem to think that we know why this happens;  we were not concentrating enough on the task at hand.  Some compelling research out of Notre Dame University, however, says that we aren't losing our minds, rather we are just falling victim to the darn doorways that we are walking through. 

We live in a busy world, and our universe is a dangerous place overloading us with information.  It is impossible to process the information coming at us at once, so we tend to work through things one at a time...worry about things one at a time...and so we don't hold onto information beyond its relevance (expiry) date.  Early man needed to be alert in the forest.  He couldn't be watching the butterflies in the jungle if there was a hungry jaguar wandering about;  stopping to smell the roses would make him a tasty morsel in the food chain.  Our brain know what we need to concentrate on.   It keeps us safe by forcing the issues most relevant to our survival forward, and makes room for these ideas by pushing all other information to the wayside.  That's where scientists think that the doors come in.

It would seem that when we cross through a door, our brain "resets" our memory to our new surroundings.  We have crossed a threshold to a new set of information and to make room for it our brain purges the "expired" information--that stuff we brought into the room that is no longer relevant to the experience ahead of us.  The new stuff replaces the old stuff.  That means that even though you are trying to concentrate on one thing, your brain is trying to provide you with the information that it thinks you need based on the changes to your environment.  Ultimately, there isn't room for everything so while you may think that you are losing your mind and dementia is setting in, it is actually your brain playing tricks on you.

Have a read of an article describing that research here.

Why We Do What We Do

This is a very interesting September for me; it is my first one—as the principal of an elementary school—where one of my own children is entering Kindergarten.  So, when asking nervous parents to “leave their kids and trust us”, I am very aware that I too am leaving my youngest in the care of someone else.  It is good for us to remind ourselves, every day, that we are trusted with the most precious treasures from each of our school families, and that it is our moral imperative to make sure that the decisions we make for children should be the same as if they were all our children.  In BC, the School Act uses the term “in loco parentis”, which refers to the legal responsibility for us to take on some of the functions and responsibilities of a parent.  And, pushing moralities and legalities aside, the reason we are all here is the kids.     

Areneus gemmoides

As the morning bell rang and students were running to class this morning, two grade 3 boys rushed up to me to show me their latest find:  a huge spider.  They had found it on the fence and collected it with a plastic container from one of their lunch kits (not sure where the snack went that mom sent in the lunch kit...).  Of course, there was plenty of excitement in other kids, there were parents and supervisors both enthralled and repulsed out, and the boys announced to me that they were going to take it to class.

Hmmm...

I definitely saw the concerned look our supervisor's face.

And, this would definitely be a hit, simultaneously stimulating and grossing out the entire class.

And--most importantly--I needed to know if this spider was poisonous; once it got into the class I would surely have someone's parent call with a concern later in the day.  This was, after all, not a tiny, little spider.  In fact, it was larger than a marble.  So, I did what any fast-thinking Principal would do:  I bought myself some time.  I told the boys that I would keep it safe in my office until we could release it.  "RELEASE IT?" one exclaimed, "He is going to KEEP it!"  I assured them that I would keep it safe, and rushed off to my office to try and identify this beautiful creature.

A quick search told me that we had found Areneus gemmoides, a very common, harmless arachnid, considered a very useful natural predator for insects. They are more commonly called the Jewel or Cat-Faced Spider, and their horns and markings resemble a cat's face.  I printed off the Wikipedia fact sheet for this critter, and took the spider back to class so that the teacher could share a look and some neat information with her students.  Now, they will all go home to tell their parents that they found a huge, harmless spider, and then the principal and spider-collecting student released her unharmed, back into nature to lay her eggs.  A great, teaching moment.

...and only one student was really grossed out...

Confessions of a Kindergartener

So, yesterday marked the first day of kindergarten for my youngest child.  The first two breezed through their kindie orientations, but this one--in his words--just loves his mom and his favourite stuffy a lot".  This one is very smart, has a well-developed sense of humour, is reading, is counting to 200, and is self-aware enough to tell mom flat out that he is too shy to enjoy his first day of kindergarten and would be crying.  Geez, what do we do with that?

Mom talked to him about how much fun kindergarten was.

Big sister and brother told him how much they loved kindergarten.

I talked to him about making new friends and gave him some scripted, one-liners to help him reach out and make a new buddy.

Mom texted me as she was leaving him to let me know that he was crying.  I texted back that he would be fine.

Later that afternoon, I got a phone call.  It was child #3.

Me:  So, how was your first day of Kindergarten?

#3:  Soooo EPIC!!!

Me:  Good. Were you a bit nervous?

#3:  Yes, and I cried for a bit.  But, then I just decided that no more tears would be coming down.

Me:  Great.  Did you make a new buddy?

#3:  That's the best part.  It was so much fun and so awesome that I didn't even need to make a new friend.

Obviously, he was excited--and ready--for day two.

Back to School

Good Bye Summer!

And, just like that...we are back at it.