Parenting Advice--Building Resiliency

Last week, my new-to-high-school daughter missed her first bus.  Her teacher PE teacher dismissed them late, she dawdled in the change room, and then arrived at the bus loading location to find--to her great surprise--that the bus didn't wait for her.  She walked home with a friend and called our house, and fortunately Grandma was over visiting and drove down to pick her up.

My response to this lesson sent shock waves through some of our parent friends.  First, I made sure she thanked Grandma for the ride; I would have made her endure the long walk home.  Second, I told her that there were some good lessons to be learned from this experience: 

1. She is solely responsible for getting herself to the bus
2. Do not dawdle (this was self-admitted) when getting changed, exchanging Library books, talking to friends, etc. when needing to accomplish lesson #1
3. If, in a worst case scenario, she ran to the bus wearing sweaty, smelly gym clothes...well...she would have still been on the bus
4. I cannot drop everything at my school and drive 45 minutes to pick her up on a nice sunny day to save her from an 6 km walk home.  Emergencies?  Absolutely, and I will be there in 35 minutes, but not for this.
5. Lastly, and this is the one that my friends had the most trouble with, I didn't call the teacher and chew him out for this inconvenience.  I didn't because, she needs to understand that getting to the bus is her responsibility (back to lesson #1), I didn't because I only knew one side of the story, and I didn't because she knows that I can't solve every little problem by rushing in "mama bear"-style and yelling at people. 

Of course I will follow up with the teacher if this becomes a regular occurrence, but not for a one-off event even if that one-off was exactly how she described it.  My kids need to be able to problem solve themselves out of trouble, and to do that they need the chance to actually try.  That's how we support responsibility.  That's how we build resiliency.

I found an article today on ParentsCanada.com called "How to interact with your child's teacher", and I think that there are some connections between what the author Nancy Fornasiero is saying and the point that I am trying to make.  Nancy describes 9 "types" of parents, and I will borrow the following three for my post:

1. The tattle-tale: Do you go "straight to the top" with every concern?
• As a Principal, I will listen to a parent's concern, but I always refer them back to the classroom teacher for an issue stemming from the classroom.  I know that my teachers will come back to me if they need some advice, support or resources to solve a problem, but cutting them out of the loop only damages the relationship between school and home.  We ask our students to deal with issues together, and we need to expect the same from the adults in our school community.
2. The fixer: Can you not bear to see your child struggle of fail?
• This is a hard one, and one expressed most often to me because we do not want our kids to have to fail or to feel bad.  I believe that many successes stem from experiencing something undesirable and then having the gumption--the moxy, as my dad would say--to make the changes necessary so that it won't happen again.  I also think that it's okay to feel bad when you have done something wrong; that builds empathy.  When I graduated from high school, I included the following quote in my yearbook message: "A kick in the ass is still a step forward".  I still believe that to this day.
3. The blind believer: Do you forget to take your child's version of a story with a grain of salt?
• This is a hard one for parents because they take such a black and white stance to issues.  I spend a lot of time helping them to understand that (1) I believe that their child is telling me the truth from their point of view, and (2) there, quite possibly, might be more than one version of the truth.  This does not mean that their child is a liar!  We know that memories are anchored by emotional experiences, and if an experience emotes emotion (a fight, and argument, someone feeling slighted, etc.) it makes it very easy for us to add in our own feelings.  How many times, for example, have you had a imaginary conversation between yourself and someone that you are in conflict with (it often happens for me on the drive home) where you get to a point where you can't believe what they just said to you (remember, it's still imaginary)?  The next day, you interact with that person, they give you "a look" and you then fill in all sorts of blanks with what they meant, including some that they might not even have realized that they gave you.  Whew!  How about some of those "at home" conflicts?  You get on your teen for "always needing a reminder to take the garbage out", without noticing that they had done it twice without being asked.  "My parents are always mad at me", or "they never notice..." are common complaints that we hear at school.  Remember, the comments don't have to be true to be believed.  Real strength comes from listening, taking a step back and helping our child to see multiple points of view.
• Take some time to talk to your child's teacher, and I bet that you will find not only someone who cares a lot, but someone who knows your child much better than you think.  No one likes to be complained to, so develop a relationship, and talk about all things that go on in the classroom, not just the negative ones.  My children know that dad knows their Principal and their teachers, and that I am not going to over react to a small injustice.  They know that I have their back, and that I am so proud of them when they show responsibility, when they problem-solve, and when they advocate for themselves.