Turning Your Back on the Future

Last week, I had the opportunity to hear from some of our best district student leaders who are preparing to host the Canadian Student Leadership Association Conference in September 2014.  They had just returned from the most recent conference on Prince Edward Island, and they were brimming with enthusiasm--and a little jet lagged.  The student joined the Principals and Vice-Principals for small table discussions to talk with us about their leadership journey.  The student who joined us shared two very inspirational ideas that are currently driving her:

Stay in the moment.  She explained to us that young leaders needed to "stay in the moment" and enjoy the life that they are currently living.  To do this, she told us that they needed to turn their backs on the future.  Wow, that really hit me.  Turn your back on the future in order to stay focused on the present.  I think that this is great advice, even for a 40-something principal. 

I have some very successful friends the same age enjoying a variety of careers right now, and we are all creeping towards that awkward "mid-life crisis" point of our lives.  To avoid the affairs and red convertibles, we have done what most guys never do:  talked about our feelings.  Knowing that someone else feels the same as you has a weird way of making you feel better, and that, along with some appropriate reading, has really made a difference for each of us.  As a young man, everything in my life was so centred around me:  my accomplishments in sport, getting good grades, getting into the right university and program, graduating with distinction, getting a job, getting into the right Masters program, graduating with honours, getting my first admin posting, getting my first Principalship.  I defined myself by listing my accomplishments.

And then 41 came calling...

I guess it really started before I was 41, but that was the time when I stood back and looked mirror and really freaked out.  You see,

• I wasn't a superstar athlete anymore, and it took tonnes of work to keep myself fit enough to play soccer at a reasonably high level.  And, on those weeks that I didn't get in my runs through the orchards and vineyards, I suffered come game time.  It was absolutely clear that I wasn't ever going to compete in the Olympics.
• I had some newish pants that were a bit to snug in the waist, hiding--yes, I am ashamed--in the back of my closest.
• I was a Principal, doing a good job, doing the things that I felt I needed to do, and nobody seemed to care or even notice.
• My life was so busy, and getting busier and busier at home with a wife who was a doctor, and three kids in activities.  A typical family week outside of the school day included 5 soccer games, 2 soccer practices, 2 piano lessons, 1 Cub Scouts meeting, 1 basketball practice, 1 basketball game, 1 tap dance lesson.  Fast forward to this week we have 5 soccer games, two soccer practices, 2 piano lessons, 2 banjo lessons, 1 tap dance lesson, 1 basketball practice, 1 basketball game, 3 field hockey practices, 2 field hockey games, 1 rugby practice (games coming soon), two evening work meetings, a dinner at grandma and grandpa's, a pool to winterize, etc., etc., etc...
• I perceived that I was struggling to find the time to connect with my spouse and myself.
• Everybody was watching.
• I was the only one feeling this way.

I had it all wrong, I wasn't defining myself by what I thought about myself, but what others thought of me. Instead of judging myself by my accomplishments, I needed to start defining myself by the things that were important to me.  The reason that we have so many after school activities in our family is because we value the things that these activities--music and sport, in particular--instill in our family.  Exercise is hard to fit in, so a soccer game a week for me is a good thing.  The kids are involved in sport and I coach them...great family time.  My wife is taking piano lessons with our youngest and I am taking up the banjo with our middle child.  Music is good for the mind, and soul, and this is more special time between parents and kids.  Those snug pants?  The exercise has got them back onto a hanger.  Was anyone watching?  Not really...at least not with the same lens that I was using.  Was I the only one feeling this way?  Nope, that's the myth that a little friend talk dispelled.

And, for that Principal thing.  The reason that "no one" was coming up to notice anything was symbolic of the job that I was doing.  I wasn't in need of support, so support wasn't pouring in through the front door. That realization was huge for me.  You see, I wasn't looking ahead for the next thing.  I was living in the present, and that was at the heart of what our grade 12 student was trying to say.  It is also a realization that I have to find happiness in what I do, not what other people--through promotions, raises, acknowledgements--can do for me.  I have to look at myself and be happy with what I find, not rely on someone else to fill my bucket. 

I had to turn my back on the future to realize what I have right now.

The second inspiration that our grade 12 leader shared with me was her belief that if your goals don't scare you, then they aren't big enough.  This idea was a good reminder never to stop dreaming; turning our backs on the future to enjoy the present doesn't mean that we still aren't dreaming of the big things to come.  In fact, I think that having a better awareness of my present allows me to dream better goals for my future and allows me to enjoy the journey;  if we can't enjoy the journey, why would we take it in the first place?

Parenting Advice--Building Resiliency

Last week, my new-to-high-school daughter missed her first bus.  Her teacher PE teacher dismissed them late, she dawdled in the change room, and then arrived at the bus loading location to find--to her great surprise--that the bus didn't wait for her.  She walked home with a friend and called our house, and fortunately Grandma was over visiting and drove down to pick her up.

My response to this lesson sent shock waves through some of our parent friends.  First, I made sure she thanked Grandma for the ride; I would have made her endure the long walk home.  Second, I told her that there were some good lessons to be learned from this experience: 

1. She is solely responsible for getting herself to the bus
2. Do not dawdle (this was self-admitted) when getting changed, exchanging Library books, talking to friends, etc. when needing to accomplish lesson #1
3. If, in a worst case scenario, she ran to the bus wearing sweaty, smelly gym clothes...well...she would have still been on the bus
4. I cannot drop everything at my school and drive 45 minutes to pick her up on a nice sunny day to save her from an 6 km walk home.  Emergencies?  Absolutely, and I will be there in 35 minutes, but not for this.
5. Lastly, and this is the one that my friends had the most trouble with, I didn't call the teacher and chew him out for this inconvenience.  I didn't because, she needs to understand that getting to the bus is her responsibility (back to lesson #1), I didn't because I only knew one side of the story, and I didn't because she knows that I can't solve every little problem by rushing in "mama bear"-style and yelling at people. 

Of course I will follow up with the teacher if this becomes a regular occurrence, but not for a one-off event even if that one-off was exactly how she described it.  My kids need to be able to problem solve themselves out of trouble, and to do that they need the chance to actually try.  That's how we support responsibility.  That's how we build resiliency.

I found an article today on ParentsCanada.com called "How to interact with your child's teacher", and I think that there are some connections between what the author Nancy Fornasiero is saying and the point that I am trying to make.  Nancy describes 9 "types" of parents, and I will borrow the following three for my post:

1. The tattle-tale: Do you go "straight to the top" with every concern?
• As a Principal, I will listen to a parent's concern, but I always refer them back to the classroom teacher for an issue stemming from the classroom.  I know that my teachers will come back to me if they need some advice, support or resources to solve a problem, but cutting them out of the loop only damages the relationship between school and home.  We ask our students to deal with issues together, and we need to expect the same from the adults in our school community.
2. The fixer: Can you not bear to see your child struggle of fail?
• This is a hard one, and one expressed most often to me because we do not want our kids to have to fail or to feel bad.  I believe that many successes stem from experiencing something undesirable and then having the gumption--the moxy, as my dad would say--to make the changes necessary so that it won't happen again.  I also think that it's okay to feel bad when you have done something wrong; that builds empathy.  When I graduated from high school, I included the following quote in my yearbook message: "A kick in the ass is still a step forward".  I still believe that to this day.
3. The blind believer: Do you forget to take your child's version of a story with a grain of salt?
• This is a hard one for parents because they take such a black and white stance to issues.  I spend a lot of time helping them to understand that (1) I believe that their child is telling me the truth from their point of view, and (2) there, quite possibly, might be more than one version of the truth.  This does not mean that their child is a liar!  We know that memories are anchored by emotional experiences, and if an experience emotes emotion (a fight, and argument, someone feeling slighted, etc.) it makes it very easy for us to add in our own feelings.  How many times, for example, have you had a imaginary conversation between yourself and someone that you are in conflict with (it often happens for me on the drive home) where you get to a point where you can't believe what they just said to you (remember, it's still imaginary)?  The next day, you interact with that person, they give you "a look" and you then fill in all sorts of blanks with what they meant, including some that they might not even have realized that they gave you.  Whew!  How about some of those "at home" conflicts?  You get on your teen for "always needing a reminder to take the garbage out", without noticing that they had done it twice without being asked.  "My parents are always mad at me", or "they never notice..." are common complaints that we hear at school.  Remember, the comments don't have to be true to be believed.  Real strength comes from listening, taking a step back and helping our child to see multiple points of view.
• Take some time to talk to your child's teacher, and I bet that you will find not only someone who cares a lot, but someone who knows your child much better than you think.  No one likes to be complained to, so develop a relationship, and talk about all things that go on in the classroom, not just the negative ones.  My children know that dad knows their Principal and their teachers, and that I am not going to over react to a small injustice.  They know that I have their back, and that I am so proud of them when they show responsibility, when they problem-solve, and when they advocate for themselves. 

The Doorway Effect Part 2--In Through the Out Door

So, on my last post I pointed towards an article in Scientific American that I found about memory and the doorway effect.  Basically it said that our memory is purged of old information when we walk through a doorway so that our brain can make room for the new--and more pressing--information set in the new room.  That's why we can head to the kitchen thirsty, only to forget our thirst when we get there.  Just yesterday, I left my office on a mission, only to have someone distract my attention. 

Poof, it was gone.

Remembering this article, I retraced my steps, walked back through the doorway and "poof" it was back.  Cool!

I do think, however, that--doorways aside--this idea of the brain only holding the most pressing information needs some further discussion.  If, for example, the brain is stressed (no breakfast, mom and dad are fighting at home, worries about safety, self-esteem, etc.) and holding onto some sort of information that engages the reptilian part of our brains (fight or flight responses), then we most certainly won't be able to comprehend, process of remember any new context or connections in algebra or sentence structure. 

If we use this model of a doorway shifting our brain to a new, and learned, set of information, let's work on creating doorways that lead to safe learning environments where:

• ideas are appreciated
• trial, errors, stumbles and failures are an expected part of the learning process
• we are given the tools to reflect, to collaborate and to think critically
• we teach learners to be problem solvers
• safety and respect are paramount
• we celebrate diversity
• the learning drives the assessments

Just think of a kid coming to school with all sorts of baggage, and being able to park those challenges at the door when they walk into your classroom because of the conditions and experiences that you created.  That would be really cool.

The Doorway Effect

Have you ever walked into a room, only to realize that you can't remember what you went in there for?  Left your office to find a staff member, and then forgotten why you went to find them once you get to their office?  Put your sunglasses on your head and then gone outside thinking that you don't know where your sunglasses are?

We all seem to think that we know why this happens;  we were not concentrating enough on the task at hand.  Some compelling research out of Notre Dame University, however, says that we aren't losing our minds, rather we are just falling victim to the darn doorways that we are walking through. 

We live in a busy world, and our universe is a dangerous place overloading us with information.  It is impossible to process the information coming at us at once, so we tend to work through things one at a time...worry about things one at a time...and so we don't hold onto information beyond its relevance (expiry) date.  Early man needed to be alert in the forest.  He couldn't be watching the butterflies in the jungle if there was a hungry jaguar wandering about;  stopping to smell the roses would make him a tasty morsel in the food chain.  Our brain know what we need to concentrate on.   It keeps us safe by forcing the issues most relevant to our survival forward, and makes room for these ideas by pushing all other information to the wayside.  That's where scientists think that the doors come in.

It would seem that when we cross through a door, our brain "resets" our memory to our new surroundings.  We have crossed a threshold to a new set of information and to make room for it our brain purges the "expired" information--that stuff we brought into the room that is no longer relevant to the experience ahead of us.  The new stuff replaces the old stuff.  That means that even though you are trying to concentrate on one thing, your brain is trying to provide you with the information that it thinks you need based on the changes to your environment.  Ultimately, there isn't room for everything so while you may think that you are losing your mind and dementia is setting in, it is actually your brain playing tricks on you.

Have a read of an article describing that research here.

Why We Do What We Do

This is a very interesting September for me; it is my first one—as the principal of an elementary school—where one of my own children is entering Kindergarten.  So, when asking nervous parents to “leave their kids and trust us”, I am very aware that I too am leaving my youngest in the care of someone else.  It is good for us to remind ourselves, every day, that we are trusted with the most precious treasures from each of our school families, and that it is our moral imperative to make sure that the decisions we make for children should be the same as if they were all our children.  In BC, the School Act uses the term “in loco parentis”, which refers to the legal responsibility for us to take on some of the functions and responsibilities of a parent.  And, pushing moralities and legalities aside, the reason we are all here is the kids.     

Areneus gemmoides

As the morning bell rang and students were running to class this morning, two grade 3 boys rushed up to me to show me their latest find:  a huge spider.  They had found it on the fence and collected it with a plastic container from one of their lunch kits (not sure where the snack went that mom sent in the lunch kit...).  Of course, there was plenty of excitement in other kids, there were parents and supervisors both enthralled and repulsed out, and the boys announced to me that they were going to take it to class.

Hmmm...

I definitely saw the concerned look our supervisor's face.

And, this would definitely be a hit, simultaneously stimulating and grossing out the entire class.

And--most importantly--I needed to know if this spider was poisonous; once it got into the class I would surely have someone's parent call with a concern later in the day.  This was, after all, not a tiny, little spider.  In fact, it was larger than a marble.  So, I did what any fast-thinking Principal would do:  I bought myself some time.  I told the boys that I would keep it safe in my office until we could release it.  "RELEASE IT?" one exclaimed, "He is going to KEEP it!"  I assured them that I would keep it safe, and rushed off to my office to try and identify this beautiful creature.

A quick search told me that we had found Areneus gemmoides, a very common, harmless arachnid, considered a very useful natural predator for insects. They are more commonly called the Jewel or Cat-Faced Spider, and their horns and markings resemble a cat's face.  I printed off the Wikipedia fact sheet for this critter, and took the spider back to class so that the teacher could share a look and some neat information with her students.  Now, they will all go home to tell their parents that they found a huge, harmless spider, and then the principal and spider-collecting student released her unharmed, back into nature to lay her eggs.  A great, teaching moment.

...and only one student was really grossed out...

Confessions of a Kindergartener

So, yesterday marked the first day of kindergarten for my youngest child.  The first two breezed through their kindie orientations, but this one--in his words--just loves his mom and his favourite stuffy a lot".  This one is very smart, has a well-developed sense of humour, is reading, is counting to 200, and is self-aware enough to tell mom flat out that he is too shy to enjoy his first day of kindergarten and would be crying.  Geez, what do we do with that?

Mom talked to him about how much fun kindergarten was.

Big sister and brother told him how much they loved kindergarten.

I talked to him about making new friends and gave him some scripted, one-liners to help him reach out and make a new buddy.

Mom texted me as she was leaving him to let me know that he was crying.  I texted back that he would be fine.

Later that afternoon, I got a phone call.  It was child #3.

Me:  So, how was your first day of Kindergarten?

#3:  Soooo EPIC!!!

Me:  Good. Were you a bit nervous?

#3:  Yes, and I cried for a bit.  But, then I just decided that no more tears would be coming down.

Me:  Great.  Did you make a new buddy?

#3:  That's the best part.  It was so much fun and so awesome that I didn't even need to make a new friend.

Obviously, he was excited--and ready--for day two.

Back to School

Good Bye Summer!

And, just like that...we are back at it.